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May / June 2005
Issue No.
3
Why
Homophobia?
Homophobia is the unreasonable fear of gays, lesbians,
transgender and questioning folks. Like all prejudices,
it has historically resulted in horrible injustices ...
One Guy's
Story
Being a homosexual teen in
high school, I have had first hand experience with homophobia
...
One
Man's Story
I had been teaching for years, and had answered
the question dozens of
times ...
Hate Crime Prevention
Resources
The
Office of the Attorney General offers an in-service training,
at no cost to schools, on civil rights
...
An Interview with Daryl
Fort
For this newsletter, we invited Dayrl Fort,
Director of Community Development for Governor Baldacci, to
share his thoughts on what makes a man successful, the
challenges for young men, and how
community makes a difference
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Boys to Men Summer Programs Are
Here!
Boys to Men is pleased
to announce the following Outdoor Recreational Programs:
Fishing, Rock Climbing, Canoeing and More!
Executive Director's
Column
On
March 31, Governor Baldacci signed into law LD* 1196, An Act
to Extend Civil Rights Protections to All People Regardless of
Sexual Orientation. Boys to Men is proud to be based in a
state that supports the civil rights of all its citizens-
adults and children...
Donate Now to Boys to
Men!
Volunteer
Opportunities
Come, get
involved! The Boys to Men Youth Governing Board and the
2005 Boys to Men Conference would love your
support!
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_________________________________________________
A Word from the Executive
Director
On March 31,
Governor Baldacci signed into law LD 1196, An Act to Extend
Civil Rights Protections to All People Regardless of Sexual
Orientation. Boys to Men is proud to be based in a state that
supports the civil rights of all its citizens - adults and
children. We are also proud to have Daryl Fort as a member of
our Board of Directors. As the Governor's Director of
Community Development, Daryl was an active member of a team
who worked tirelessly to get this legislation
passed.
What changes as
a result of LD 1196? Up until now, all adults and kids who
live, work or visit Maine have been protected against bias,
(prejudice or unfairness), based on race, color, religion,
ancestry, national origin, gender and physical or mental
disability. Now that LD 1196 has passed, the term "sexual
orientation" has been added to this list. Maine has joined all
the other New England states in declaring that gay, lesbian,
transgender, bisexual youth and adults cannot be denied a
place to live or a job based on who they fundamentally
are.
It is essential
to note, too, that LD 1196 also protects people in Maine from
heterosexual discrimination. Everyone is free to express
his/her gender identity in whatever way he/she feels moved to
express it. And, for the first time, LD 1196 specifically
protects the expression of gender identity in educational
forums and schools. This component of the law is particularly
important for ensuring that minors (people under age 18) have
the same rights and protections as adults.
In this issue of
the Boys to Men Newsletter, we celebrate the passage of LD
1196 by including some resources for addressing hate crimes in
Maine. We will also be featuring articles by a young man and
an older man about homophobia. We hope these stories will help
each of us to understand one another better and to encourage
us to value difference while, at the same time, understanding
that everyone is essentially the same.
If you would
like to know more about the core values of Boys to Men, check
out our web site at http://click.exacttarget.com/?ffcb10-fe441d78736d0d787212-fdfb107276600d7e76147172-fefd1572766301.
Thanks and take
care,
Layne Gregory, LCSW
Executive Director
Boys to
Men
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A Guy's Story
Being a homosexual teen in
high school, I have had first hand experience with homophobia.
I first "came-out" the summer after eighth grade. I told my
best friend that I was bisexual because, at the time, I
thought it was more accepted. Luckily, he is such an
open-minded friend and someone who took me for who I was.
After telling him, I began telling more and more of my
friends. Gradually, I decided it was time to tell my family. I
started with my sister and she told me that she was homosexual
as well. That made it a lot easier for me, so we both told my
poor mother at the same time. I thought she was going to have
a heart attack, but since then, my mother and I have never
been closer.
After telling half of my
family, I thought it was time to tell the men. So I started
with the one person that was the hardest to tell: my twin
brother. It took me a week to gain the courage to come-out to
him, and when I did, he told me that my mother had gotten to
him first. He also told me that he didn't care and that I was
his brother and he loved me no matter what. With that down,
all I had to do was tell my father, but before I did I was
sent to an institution after attempting suicide. At that time,
my old school (I have since changed schools) was a huge stress
in my life. I was struggling with a heavy workload, and a very
close-minded environment. In this school, people would call me
names like "fag", "faggot" or "queer" and I just couldn't deal
with it.
After I returned from the
institution, I didn't feel any better - and perhaps felt
even a bit worse than I did in the first place - so I wanted
to talk with my family about it. Little did I know, the
institution had lied to me and told my parents everything I
said, including my sexual preference, after promising me they
were going to keep anything I said confidential. My father is
a very narrow-minded and old-fashioned man, and he doesn't
adapt to new things like homosexuality. I'll even go so far as
to say he's homophobic. Not because I think he is, I know he
is. So, he sat me down and screamed at me telling me things
like "you're a fucked up child" and "a mistake" topping it off
with "You're really screwed up in the head, you're just going
to go out in the world, do drugs, overdose and die" because
that's what my kind of people do.
I felt like there was
nowhere to turn so for the rest of my freshman year, I trapped
myself in my room. My sophomore year, I transferred to
Portland High School which has a very eclectic student body,
and where I had old friends. I am now in my senior year and I
have been through a lot trying to discover who I am, and still
dealing with homophobia. But I am stronger, and I've learned
to love myself so I just think "who cares?" because I have
people who accept me and I couldn't ask for anything more. I
know that homophobia is something that will probably be
everywhere I go, and I still fight for what I believe in by
joining clubs and organizations so that I can educate people
about this topic in hopes of opening minds, saving lives, and
letting people know, there's hope out there in the world -
never give up.
Tim, age
18
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A Man's
Story
I had
been teaching for years, and had answered the question dozens
of times. Sometimes it was a note in our question box.
Sometimes it came as a spoken sentence. It had appeared in
elementary classes, middle school discussions and high school
presentations. Every time I saw it, every time I answered it,
regardless of the age of the writer or the grade of the
questioner, I knew it belied the pain its author
felt.
It was
phrased a variety of ways, "Why won't he talk to me?" , "Why
are boys so mean?", or "Why are men such jerks?" But
regardless of the handwriting or grade, each note, each
question seemed to carry the message that, whether boy or man,
the accused seemed to hurt others in an almost unfeeling, even
calculated, way without conscience or care.
Answering the question had always been difficult for
me. As a male I knew that men had no monopoly on hurtful
behavior. As a teacher, I wanted my students to think, not
just listen to my answers.
So this
time when the question was worded in a slightly different way,
"Why can't boys show their emotions?" I turned the question
back to the class. Simply repeating the question to the
students failed: my effort was greeted with
silence.
In spite
of the question's maturity, I knew young people often needed
something more concrete. So I hypothesized a second question:
"What would happen if you saw a girl crying, and another girl
was hugging her, and telling her, "You'll be okay."
This
time a volley of answers: "She was trying to comfort her",
"they were friends", and "she was being nice."
I
pressed on with my questions. "And what if you saw a boy
crying and another boy was hugging him and saying, 'You'll be
ok'?" This scene was answered with squirms and quiet. I
asked why there was a different response. Slowly a few hands
went up.
One
replied, "I'd think he was a sissy." I asked the class
what made him a sissy, and they replied, "He was acting like a
girl." I was a little shocked and then using their
interpretation I asked what it meant for a boy to act like a
girl. More squirming, and then a few hesitant
hands.
I
repeated, "If you feel that a boy who cries is a sissy because
he is acting like a girl, what would that mean?" One
replied, "I wouldn't feel comfortable." Another, "I wouldn't
trust him." And finally, accompanied by lots of nods, "I would
be worried he was gay."
I was
stunned, not so much by the connection, because I had also
heard it made in higher classes, but because of the age. These
were only sixth graders.
I need
to clarify. "You mean if you saw two boys or men crying with
one hugging the other, you would be uncomfortable, think they
were sissies and, might be afraid they were homosexuals?" Lots
of nods.
I
followed up, "Can any of you remember a time when you were
afraid of others seeing your tears?" A firm hand. I asked,
"Yes?" The boy, a class star, replied that the previous spring
his fifth grade principal had suddenly died. The principal was
dearly loved by his students, and the school was in chaos.
Many girls were in tears.
But the
boy explained many boys were not crying. He wanted to but did
not want others to think badly of him. So he asked for a pass
to the boys' room where he could cry alone.
He
found, to his surprise, other boys, lots of other boys already
there sobbing. Enough so that the system's social workers were
sent in to counsel the boys right there in the boys'
room.
And
there, my student had her answer.
Chuck Morrison, Educator
Portland Public
Schools
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Why
Homophobia?
Homophobia is the
unreasonable fear of gays, lesbians, transgender and
questioning folks. Like all prejudices, it has historically
resulted in horrible injustices. Those who are the target of
homophobia may be our neighbors, teachers, parents or members
of our police or military. Sadly, however, in all but a few
places in America, they are unable to love or marry, work or
live openly. As a group they have been arbitrarily deprived of
the rights afforded to heterosexual people.
LD 1196 will result in
the extension of more rights to sexual minority groups in
Maine. That is reason enough for the focus on homophobia in
this issue of our newsletter. Homophobia has a much greater
impact on our society than just its impact on sexual
minorities, however. As The Boys Room illustrates,
homophobia is inextricably bound up in sexism, the belief that
females are somehow inferior to men. In The Boys Room
we see how many males fear emotional expression because of the
risk of being targeted as a "sissy" read, "like a girl" read,
"perhaps a homosexual."
An environment that
breeds fear of emotional expression produces emotionally
restricted males, who can become isolated and violent. William
Pollack (Real Boys) and Dan Kindlon (Raising Cain
), as well as many other reputable writers, are looking
closely at these connections. By contrast, when all people,
regardless of gender or sexual orientation, are given the same
piece of the sun, the same respect, the same rights, then
"sissy" and all the other homophobic, sexist epithets no
longer have the sting they once had. Open emotional
expression, without threat of irrational, hurtful responses
from peers, allows for communication without fear.
Certainly legislation
that will go a long way toward securing many of the same
rights the majority of us already have is worthy of one of our
quarterly issues. It marks a giant step in the right
direction, yet there are also social ills no law can fix. Tim,
the author of our homophobia piece, poignantly describes the
hurt families can be exposed to because of blind prejudice.
His account explains eloquently why, in addition to changing
the law, it is essential that we work to help change
hearts.
Boys to Men is an
inclusive organization that hopes to help lead our society to
socialize boys in less emotionally restrictive and less
violent ways than is often done. We hope this issue of our
newsletter helps demonstrate that we are all poorer when any
minority group in any society has its civil rights arbitrarily
denied. Ending prejudice in all its forms, homophobia
included, makes us all safer. It is not just about extending
civil rights to sexual minorities; it is about making the
world a better place for all of us.
Boys to Men Board of
Directors
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Hate Crime Prevention
Resources
The Office of the
Attorney General offers an in-service training, at no cost to
schools, on civil rights issues. An assistant attorney
general, who explains the law section, and a trainer, who
explains the Civil Rights Team Project, conduct the training.
Both the AAG and the trainer facilitate "hands-on" exercises
and strategies for intervening when possible violations occur.
The training, which lasts 2½ hours, has four primary
objectives:
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The training
describes the extent of prejudice, harassment and hate
crimes within Maine schools.
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The training
provides participants with a fuller understanding of the
destructive impact on targeted students of bias and
hate.
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The training
provides a description of the purposes and functions of the
Civil Rights Teams.
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The training helps
faculty develop practical strategies for intervening when
hate, bias and harassment occur at their
school.
The training uses a
blend of approaches including small group work, interactive
exercises and a short video of targeted students from Maine
talking about their experiences.
Follow-up In-Service Training on Civil Rights
The Office of the
Attorney General offers a follow-up in-service training, at no
cost to schools, on civil rights issues. This training is for
schools that already had the first in-service training. The
training, which lasts 2 1/2 hours, has four primary
objectives:
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Update information
on the extent of prejudice, harassment and hate crimes
within Maine schools.
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Teach "hands-on"
techniques for intervening when hate language or hate
violence occur.
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Further
multicultural training.
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Model group work
for solving questions concerning the prevention of bias
motivated harassment.
The training uses a
blend of approaches including small group work, role playing
and interactive exercises.
The Department offers
the in-service training for faculty, support staff (cafeteria
staff, custodians, etc.), and administration at high schools,
middle schools and elementary schools. The Department has
limited resources to provide training and may not be able to
meet every request.
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____________________________________________
An Interview with Daryl
Fort
For this newsletter, we invited
Dayrl Fort, Director of Community Development for Governor
Baldacci, to share his thoughts on what makes a man
successful, the challenges for young men, and how community
makes a difference. Here's what he has to say.
Please define what makes "a
successful man."
A successful man is someone who
has found a way to build, enjoy and appreciate his life in a
way that affects positively his family, friends and community
-- in other words, a man who works to achieve happiness and
security in his life without diminishing the opportunity for
others to follow those same pursuits.
What are the challenges you
see for young men growing up today?
I think young
men in America are most challenged today by the expectation
that they live up to a standard of manhood that is too
narrowly defined - around competition, dominance and
invulnerability. I think the most serious consequence comes in
how we engage and develop intimate relationships. In my
experience, young men are given few tools to express and
negotiate their own complex emotions in healthy
ways.
What community supports do
boys need to grow-up to be successful?
Among other
things, I think, boys need peers and adult role models that
give them the permission and space in their lives to develop
and follow their own imaginations rather than expectations
imposed upon them.
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